Whoa! It’s been two years since I’ve written! Well, not to disappoint. This one is for you, my fellow coaches! Here is Part Two:
Three Types of Behaviors that could help you recognize specific behaviors as coaches that we might miss.
In my last article in November 2019, “Are You a Chameleon?” I talked about three specific types of people, or behaviors, who are adaptable to any situation, sometimes so much that they sacrifice their own true core identity. I used characters in a story to capture these.
One: The bar tender (using barista in this blogging) is the Listener
Two: The doting friend is the Helper
Three: The friend going along with everything is the People-Pleaser
In my practice, I work with people of all types of personalities who come to class to learn how to be a better leader, manager, parent, sister/brother, or spouse. Regardless of the reason they attend the class is to satisfy their inner curiosity of what it is they can do to “correct” a certain relationship that is not working or they simply want to find out how other people’s minds work through coaching.
If you noticed in the last blog, there were two friends that walked into the bar. One friend insisted on buying the drinks. The barista simply served up what they ordered. The receiving friend could not drink certain beverages, but she did not refuse her friend’s insistence upon having one.
Let’s consider the Listener. We are now in a coffee bar. He is listening to the order and the conversation between the two friends. He is simply curious to hear what is being said. He is trained at listening, perhaps because of his job or he is simply a good listener.
The Helper – the insisting, doting friend- is one who loves to help others at any cost, maybe even to her family or sacrificing her values to do so. She is well-intentioned, but could never put herself in the position of receiving from anyone, therefore she tends to be the talker, the giver, the overachiever. She might attempt to help the person who really doesn’t want or need her assistance, like buying a drink for her friend who really cannot drink the specific drink she is insisting upon.
The People-Pleaser is the best friend to have for the Helper, because she will not only listen, but allow anyone to make decisions for her, choose her look, even choose her words for her.
Why am I bringing these three people together in this blog posting? Because all of these descriptions could be one person and they could be three different people. AND…it has nothing to do with personality! You read that right. These descriptions actually have to do with how we process past experiences. Our actual personality is hidden deep within a core of what is true, behind the behaviors and language we tell ourselves that we are totally unaware of.
Coaching students- at some point in their training and practice- have experienced one or more of these mindsets in their own coaching. The doting coach that wants so desperately to help that he/she does not even hear what the client has said. Lack of confidence in coaches can derail a coaching conversation in a heartbeat and lose the meaning of the conversation for the client (and for the coach). And finally, the advanced coach who is aware and listens without commenting, judging, inserting beliefs, or nudging the client: He/She is the learned coach who continues to grow and learn from his/her collection of information and experiences from holding and practicing effective conversations with curiosity, but with intention.
So, you might ask: What do you consider an effective conversation? In the world of EWTI (Emotional Wisdom Training Institute), we consider an effective conversation to include a beginning, middle, and end. The beginning is simply getting acquainted and asking questions that anyone, any age, or culture can answer. This is a “relaxant” for the mind, like sipping a cup of calming tea with a friend. The idea is to move toward the unconscious heart where the core of who we are resides. Our subconscious mind, however, has some different ideas about going there. Unbeknownst to us, it will protect us at the most heightened of moments but even more so it will protect us in the most subtle of situations, like when we want to do something new. It will protect us from venturing out (because our subconscious has labeled similar past experiences.
The middle of our conversation is moving through the subconscious mind and into the unconscious heart with a process that is very much like hypnosis but while awake. Or likened to yoga for the mind, which is the relaxing and flexing of the mental “muscle.” This is where the magic happens! The carefully scripted questions are designed to gently open the unconscious heart to hear what information comes forth that is true, sound, and curious.
At the end of our conversation the coach pulls together all the gathered information and brings it to two very important power questions asked of the client. These questions bind the agreement of the conversation, the collected information, and the commitment to acknowledge the information gathered from the conversation.
So, what does all of this have to do with being a chameleon and the people at the coffee bar? Well, my friend, it has everything to do with how someone will conduct this effective conversation addressed earlier. To gather the maximum amount information, cooperation, or interest from a conversation it is important to know how you fit into those behaviors. So, are you the Listener, the Helper, or the People-Pleaser?
The behaviors and thought process qualities in the captioned conversations are effective to a degree, but two of them carry some past emotions that seem to rule how they address people, these “rules” coming from their own subconscious ego. Can you guess which ones? I’ll bet you guessed the Helper and the People-Pleaser. Yep, while they are truly good intentioned friends or coaches, they possess a quality that holds them back from creating solid lasting relationships.
The Helper will over extend his/her welcome by continuously over-sharing, over-stepping their willingness, assuming that someone needs his/her help. They are also the over-achiever, the passionate one who will carry out anything you ask of them. the downside is that they can also become overwhelmed at their own doing. So, first: No one is broken! EWTI teachings for coaches view every single human being as whole, perfect, resourceful and able to make the best decisions possible with the information they currently have. When the Helper learns to see where the past has led them to this position of ego, they are easily now capable of stepping back and allowing their friends (clients) to provide feedback, empowering them (not overpowering them), and listening (see where I am going with this?) to them, hanging on every word with utmost curiosity.
The People-Pleaser, much like the Helper, will also overextend themselves to the point of depleting all of their energy. They are tired of giving but would never dare tell anyone. They are extremely passive and sometimes come across as a Zen style personality, when inside they are feeling less than who they really are. What is the result? An angry, frustrated inividual who gives and gives and never gets a return because they have not stood up for themselves to draw the virtual boundaries required to be a confident and balanced individual. Again, they are not broken. They just need the information that will empower them. And…the information is already within them. A simple (again, an effective) conversation will move them toward that internal core that is awaiting to illuminate the heart and when the People-Pleaser becomes the Leader who is no longer afraid to direct versus be lead. This is the balanced friend we want to be!
Now, we come to the Listener. The listening barista will not only hear your order, he/she will hear your emotion, your tone, and even recognize body language that he/she may not even see. They offer no opinions, no sharing of their own story, no comments. They simply listen. This is the first stage of being a balanced chameleon. The person knows their power.
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The second stage of being a chameleon is being empowered through the Helper or the People-Pleaser outlook, with some slight modification. The chameleon, the animal, blends in with its environment, he/she takes care of his/her body when needed, he/she shows their own beauty in silence. As the metaphorical chameleon, the coach shares perhaps a small subtle story to help the client understand they are not alone. This type of coach not flashy or forward, yet confident and empowering. He/she simply is accepting, aware, and awakened (elements in three are empowering).
We can be much like a chameleon in the ways that benefit ourselves and others. We learn by identifying our own behaviors, much like the ones outlined previously. Most coaches want to help others in a profound way. We are enamored with the “big screen” coaches who have changed people’s lives and parade people on stage with great fanfare. They get something from the fanfare. This might be attractive to some, but in “real life,” that is not the way coaches live and mentor people to be empowered. There is way more to coaching than well….just coaching and collecting a paycheck. It is more subtle, gentle, yet with intent.
The chameleon “blends in with the client,” he/she virtually “sits” along side the client, they are supportive without adding their own spin on what they think the client is saying or using their own words to describe what the client just said to them. And, the chameleon will listen…and listen…and listen more. Not just listening to the current words but listening to the words they said in the prior conversation and the one before that. And, just as important, listening for the things they don’t say. Imagine a progressive conversation that builds on the one before it and the one to come, gently unraveling old patterns of thinking and using them to their own power.
As a coach, we sometimes fall into the behavior of analyzing our clients (the Helper who already “knows” what their client needs) without really listening to what they have to say. It happens to all of us at some point. The difference is that trained coaches notice when it is happening. AND, the most important part is to return to listening without any judgment, clearing away the thoughts and stories that enter our minds even far beyond the conversation starting. Coach: “I wonder how she will answer my questions, she might not like my questions, what if she hates me…” and the repertoire of stories from our subconscious mind begins. Yet there are ways to empower ourselves, as coaches, to BE the balanced chameleon that is settled, grounded, and ready to be present for our client (and ourselves.). Keep in mind that the client is never broken. They just need to remember the resources they already have within them. Only the client knows what they need and it is up to us to guide them toward it with their own thoughts, their own power of words, their own heartfelt emotions. It is the coach’s job to support the client in “calling up” those memories and labels that the subconscious mind so aptly labeled as good or bad; or don’t do that, do this.
Also, as a coach, we must empower ourselves with the confidence to carry out such a methodical approach to helping our clients get what they want. It takes courage to see our own behaviors, it takes practice to become better at supporting others’ achievements, and it takes a willingness to be transparent, honest, and caring. We all naturally possess these qualities! But, how do we get there? Finding the most effective coaching for yourself is one way, but even better is to find the training that will follow a specific set of structured and moral principles that anyone can live by.
Here are five principles that are solid and can be applied to any situation, any person, and any lifestyle:
1. Know what you want; 2. Know how to ask for it; 3. Show up for yourself and others; 4. Keep your word to yourself and others; 5. Develop an attitude of gratitude along the way.
Kate Michels, founder and CEO of Emotional Wisdom Training Institute created and initiated these principles with her students nearly 21 years ago and still practices with the same principles. They are solid, to the point, and empowering.
The third stage of being a chameleon, is when we merge all of the qualities and behaviors mentioned, we find ourselves with a rich coaching platform from which to work. We provide a safe, warm, and inviting place for our clients to thrive in their own empowerment and live from that beauty every day, not just a one-time place on a stage. You will find a sense of gratitude in everything you do and your clients will, too. You have become the beautiful chameleon: aware, accepting, and giving!
If you are interested in joining courses that meet the guidelines of this blog, I invite you to my next information class through Emotional Wisdom Training Institute. Please visit the website: https://www.emotionalwisdomtraininginstitute.com
Taproots for Life,LLC is a subcontractor for EWTI.
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