Many years ago, I suffered abuses of a loved one. They were mental, physical and emotional abuses, but mostly severe violations of the mind. These were least detected, because I could keep up a pretty decent front to my family, friends and workplace, and no one knew. It was my secret.
I recall that one night he raped me, laughed and rolled over to a deep snore. I slowly rolled over in bed and quietly sobbed myself to sleep. I was devastated.
Once, I sustained a cut on my lip from “him” ramming his elbow against my lower jaw. My tooth went through my lip. I had to explain it to work as I “ran into a door.” This was a pivotal moment that I did not deserve these continued abuses.
I kept a hidden journal to write down my fears, horrors and prayers. I recorded the incidents, in case I ended up dead in an undisclosed place. Surely, someone would find my scribbling and know what happened. I was careful to keep it hidden for fear he would find it and unleash even more anger.
On the last day of living in this horror, he tried to hurt me as he raised a chair over my head to strike me while I slept. My Creator and angels were with me, as I awoke and saw him standing there about to commit the ultimate abuse- to take a mother from her children. I pushed him back with my foot to protect myself. As he jerked back with the chair, he lacerated his hand on a glass light fixture above that he had broken.
I was grateful my children were not present to see this shocking act. I did my best to hide the abuse from them in the past, but the physical acts were coming more frequent, as he now had been lying with a new “love.” It was time for me to leave.
After 10 years and three children, I left the relationship and moved on with my life, with much counseling and consoling from strangers. My family did not understand, so there was no one to provide the emotional support I needed. My mother helped, as she could, by caring for my youngest, when he was ill, or picked him up from daycare.
I had children to raise, one with Cystic Fibrosis. . And now, I had to raise them alone with little job experience, no college education, and no financial support.
We lived in poverty for about 3 years, struggling around every corner. I reached out for love in all the wrong places. I drove a beat-up car that my broth
er lent me. It had a large toddler-sized hole in the floorboard where my children sat. I covered it with plywood and told them never to lift it. I was lucky. Sometimes I bummed a ride from someone when the car didn’t start up on a cold winter morning.
I bought clothes at Goodwill, at a time when only poor people shopped there. I would see the saddened stare back at me, when someone asked me where I bought the beautiful suit and I told them where.
I did not show my inner shame to the kids. I would proudly wear my resale clothes so they could see that life was not so bad. We celebrated with junk food nights and a movie, when that was all there was to do. I did my best to raise their spirits, while we had nothing else to exist on during that time.
When I ate lunch at work, I ate braunsweiger sandwiches (I needed the protein and the fat to survive, and it was cheap). I listened to ridicule and laughter from my co-workers, because my sandwiches did not meet their standard, or aroma, of what lunch should be. I smiled and tried to act like it didn’t hurt. But it did, and deeply. What they didn’t know was it was my only meal of the day.
On occasion, people would throw money my way. Five dollars, a ten, or sometimes a fifty. It made them feel good, I guess. I felt like a beggar on the street, but any mother who had been there would understand. What I really yearned for, however, was their time, their hands to help or just to sit and talk. I felt hollow, emotionless, yet I cried with gratitude that someone thought of me to give from their own earnings.
I didn’t come from an impoverished family so accepting money from someone was foreign and disgraceful to me. I had a great life growing up and wanted for nothing.
Somewhere, in my late teens, however, I decided to take a short cut to moving on with my life as an adult. I made a choice to marry young. I quickly learned that I made a bad choice in a life partner, yet it eventually resulted in a life of growth that I had not imagined would emerge. The journey has been a lifelong struggle to feel worthy of love, again.
Knowing the predicament I was in, I began to learn as much as I could, taking college courses and reading self-help books to improve myself. My superiors soon observed that I had a talent for managing and helping people. They took chances on me and promoted me. I created my way in the work world, and, to this day I am humbly grateful to those leaders who recognized my gift and invested their time to teach me.
As I grew mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I observed that “he” did not grow up as I did. His story is his own and not for me to tell. I now feel a different respect for him, as a human being and a soul who is struggling to learn his path.
While it is not my place to speculate where his path may lead, I can only pray that his
journey leads to hope, kindness and a love for himself; for it is with realization and love of the self that we begin to heal and can show this love for others.
About 10 years ago, my children held a birthday party for one of the grandchildren. “He” was there. My heart quickened in fear for only a moment. It was then that I realized that I had come this far, and could actually be in the same room without feeling fear or disgust. I spoke only briefly with “him.”
As the party departed, I felt compelled to hug this man. The man that I allowed to take parts of me that were my identity. As I embraced him, he could not return the love. He heart was still in a darkened place, as he stiffly allowed my hug. As for myself, I could feel the deep compassion within my soul to forgive and release this darkness inside myself to bring love and light – an awakening of my soul!
This is a piece of my life that I share with you, the public. This comes from a very deep place. It has taken me 30 years to come to this point, to feel like my story may have some worth to another person, even though many friends and publishers have asked me to share it. Small steps.
Only with the help of Core Alignment Coaching and work with neurolinguistic programming, have I been able to free this story to a page. It is with deep gratitude I owe this transformation to many mentors along the way at Core Alignment, as I learned the process to further heal myself, and now share it with others.
I have healed over time, yet there’s a scar on the inside of my lip that reminds me of how far I have come. It is a bittersweet memory of the love I chose because of the love inside me. I became lost, but now have re-discovered this love and share it with one who loves me back.
Perhaps this story may move you to help someone who seems to struggle at work, at home, kids bullying on the playground or a frustrated teacher in a classroom, a person you see on the street, or a lonely widow(er). It might be a caregiver or nurse, a truck driver or a person who stands alone. There are many opportunities to reach out.
When you see someone struggling, take time, share the light within you to make their day just a bit brighter, and feel hopeful that there are still people on earth who have peace in their hearts and can share it no matter the emotions that come from it. This is the journey that begins in you!
May the peace of all souls unite during this season of love and light and cause a ripple effect throughout the world!
Kat is a Core Alignment Mentor and Professional NLP Specialist and Emotional Wisdom Trainer. She is the founder of Taproots for Life, where she guides women, men and teens to awaken their light within to live a life of joy.at believes that each person deserves to feel grounded with conviction in their own authenticity, with a voice to be heard.
Kat opens a sacred space for people to grow as independent thinkers by exploring, discovering and embracing their true authenticity and to inspire others with love, understanding and empowerment.
Her mentoring has changed lives, locally and internationally. She is also a writer, herbalist, aromatherapist and lightworker.
Contact info: firstname.lastname@example.org
Visit her website: www.taprootsforlife.com (currently under construction)